Asanadult, setting boundaries with your parents can feel abit like pulling out teeth— extremely frustrating. But being expected togive upsomething you love for people that only see you when they want something from you, can berather difficult tohandle, especially ifthose people are your parents.
Onone hand, they’re your family, but onthe other hand, your own well-being isatstake. What would beanappropriate reaction? One man shared his story.
Atale oftwo brothers
Ispent my20s living inmytruck, scraping byonany jobI could find, untilI saved enough tobuy amodest house. Myparents never supportedme. They favored mybrother.
SoIwas stunned when they appeared unannounced with anoutrageous demand: they want metohand over myhouse tomybrother. Turns out, mybrother isstruggling, since heand his wife have another baby coming soon (the third), and myplace ismuch bigger than what they could afford.
They acted like itwas nobig deal. They said, “You already have your old camper truck, soyou can just goback toliving there. Family comes first, and your brother has more important needs than youdo.” Iwas speechless for asecond. All Icould think ofwas the yearsI spent living inthat tiny camper, freezing inwinter, working nonstop toget where Iam.
Istruggled alone.
Inever thought I’d makeit. During mytwenties, Iwas working odd jobs, sleeping inasmall camper attached tothe back ofmypickup. But Ikept pushing. Bit bybit, Isavedup. Itwasn’t glamorous, and itdefinitely wasn’t easy.
Mybrother, onthe other hand, has always been abit... irresponsible with money. And myparents always paid off his credit card debts, but couldn’t lend memoney.
Get out!
With all ofthis inmind, Itold themno. Calmly atfirst, Isaid, “I’m sorry, but I’m not giving upthe houseI worked sohard for.” Myparents looked offended. They claimedI was being selfish, thatI was turning myback onfamily.
Itried toexplain myside, howI built this life from scratch, with zero help. But they just wouldn’t hearit. Finally, Ihad enough. Itold them they had toleave.
They started yelling and saidI couldn’t dothat tothem. But Istood myground. Iopened the door and told them topleasego. They left inahuff, threatening tonever forgiveme.
Caught between myfeelings and myparents
Part ofmefeels guilty, but another part ofmeknowsI did the right thing. Iworked mytail off tohave astable life, and I’m not about tothrow itall away because myparents suddenly believe “family comes first.”
Ifthat was truly how they felt, they would have tried helping mewhen Ineeded.
Thank you for sharing! Here’s what wehave tosay:
You built this.
Your feelings matter too. You’ve built your life from the ground upand tobeexpected togive upsomething that you’ve worked sohard toattain, even ifit’s for family, would understandably upset most people, ifnot everyone. After all, itwas your resilience and hard work that got you your house, and protecting what you’ve worked for isn’t selfish— it’s setting aboundary.
For your family tospring this onyou, without considering your standpoint orfeelings, speaks tohow the dynamics inyour family have been since you were achild. And those dynamics donot make you happy, and they clearly made anemotional impact onyour life. But now you’re older, and you’re using your power tobuild arelationship that better suites you.
Despite your brother’s past financial irresponsibility, your parents still support him. They want you toenable his actions like they’ve been doing his whole life. But you are not responsible for his decisions, and heisn’t deserving ofthe rewards that come with yours— even ifhethinksso.
From undervalued tovalued
Dealing with feeling undervalued and overlooked due toyour family prioritizing your brother over you, can make you feel resentful and angry. But here are some steps that you can take togain your confidence and help you change the unfair dynamics inyour family, and you’re already doing one ofthem.
1. Saying no. Your brother isused tobeing entitled, and you’re putting your foot down and refusing togive upyour house for him will help your family know that you aren’t apushover.
2. Though you feel undervalued inyour family, look atthe other areas ofyour life orrelationships, such asyour work oryour friendships, where you feel appreciated.
3. Change the way that you think. Especially ifyour thoughts are severely negative, i.e. believing that you’re undervalued byeveryone and nobody sees you. Remind yourself ofmoments when you were appreciated tomake yourself feel better
4. Speak toaprofessional. Constantly feeling unappreciated may make your relationships, even those outside offamily, tosuffer, soseek help ifit’s severe— family therapy might help.
Dealing with feelings
Tobeseen only when you’re needed isnot agood feeling, and itcan cause you tobelieve that you’re unworthy tobeseen, but that isnot the truth— you deserve tobevalued and seen asmuch asanyone else, and you also deserve everything that you’ve worked for.
Dealing with guilt after saying noisokay. Itcould bebecause you’re scared tolose your family over this issue after they blackmailed you. Oritcould indicate that you feel responsible for both your parents and your younger brother— which, asthe oldest sibling, iscommon. Whatever the reason maybe, itdoesn’t justify you giving them your house, especially ifyou’re being guilt-tripped into doingit.
Possible solutions
Itmight help tostep back and consider how you want your relationship with your family tolook inthe future. You donot owe them your house, but ifkeeping some kind ofconnection with them isimportant toyou, then you could try tocommunicate your feelings inaway that leaves the door open for healthier interactions.
Ifyour family refuses torespect you, then walking away may bethe best choice. But inthe end, standing upfor yourself isnot abetrayal, it’s asign ofgrowth. You’ve already shown that you are responsible and independent, now, it’s about making sure others respect that, too.
Check out one woman who felt undervalued byher husband’s gift.
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